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Ms. Misunderstood

It’s a terrible thing to be misunderstood. Not only by communication but as a person, it's worse. You can never seem to redeem, repair, or correct it. Surprise, I am a misunderstood person. I have faced defeat and disappointment stemming from my reality of mis-connectivity with the modern world. Dr. Ben has pointed out a reoccurring spirit of disappointment that swarms me like an agitated beehive. Hindering me of potential honey (AKA life). The part he missed was that it’s from my nature of being misunderstood by others. A constant cloud of heart-brain confusion or continual internal conflict if you will. This is clearly my need to redeem myself. I am an old soul who sees people for who they truly are, even when they cannot see it themselves. I am also an independent person, whether it's by nature or experience I have yet to answer.

Despite being a level-headed youth, I discovered long ago that I am able to establish better connections with older people. However, my age often becomes a hindrance as I receive a certain lack of respect due to my outward appearance within important areas in life such as professionalism and romantic relationships. Nonetheless, I am confident in my ability to provide valuable advice and a unique perspective. As I may struggle at times to relate to people my age, I am always willing to lend an ear and share my thoughts with those who seek it. I crave intellectual connection, I think as most of us humans do.

From time to time, I feel like an 80-year-old woman dressed up in a 33-year-olds body. Regardless of my youthful appearance, I have a wealth of life experience. I have faced and overcome a lot of personal challenges, and gained insight which I enjoy sharing. Rather than reacting impulsively, I like to take a step back and analyze situations carefully. When others act out of emotion, I understand that there may be underlying issues at play that have nothing to do with me. I have become accustomed to depend on myself in order to avoid disappointment from being let down by others. The constant feeling of having to explain myself is exhausting. From personal experience, being in a state of 'disappointed but not surprised' has saved me from many things. As I don't encourage staying in this mindset; haha, it has helped me cope with difficult situations. The simple acknowledgment that you will be disappointed here and there shouldn't cloud the more important rule of life; quality over quantity. It's also important to keep things in perspective and focus on what truly matters.

At times, we desire to 'fit in'. In doing so we hide or abandon parts of our true selves. However, that's the biggest misfit of all; someone who hides themselves amongst the crowd. We are all guilty of this at one point in our lives. Those of you that know me personally, know that I speak from a place of relatability and experience. Growing up, I had mostly the same group of friends that carried out long after school, however, looking back I never truly felt like I fit in with them. I have always felt like I saw things differently and was the odd one out. It never seemed that way outwardly and no one could have ever known I felt that way. Thanks to my ongoing self-discovery journey that began in my mid-twenties, I have now uncovered and accepted my true self. So, let's acknowledge that oftentimes friends have seasons, and as these friends held a purpose in their season, they start to drip away one by one as we independently grow and change. It's also important to know and accept that everything takes time. Almost nothing happens overnight and it took me this long to understand why I felt the way I did my entire life.

Since mending my wings, for me, in a platonic relationship, I value someone who supplies acceptance, companionship, compassion, guidance, and solution. I look for a lack of judgment, someone who knows who I am at heart and values me in return. A person I can go to with anything and tell me the hard truth. In a relationship of love, I long for someone who allows me to enter my feminine energy. Someone who encourages me to be myself and loves every "weird" thing about me. A person who is self-sufficient and doesn’t require co-dependency. A partner who is passionate, one with his emotions, and carries high self-respect. Whose character and overall presence are missed when absent. A voice that soothes the soul. A man who has an unquestionable faith and thirst for God. A spirit that meets mine and immediately recognizes the depths of my being. In 2023, searching or hoping for a co-pilot, as a 33-year-old hopeless romantic… wish me luck! As I hope every type of relationship I hold helps me grow. Remembering that some relationships have seasons, you should never need to convince anyone of your worth or feel the need to correct the misunderstanding. The right people will see it.

One thing about this beautiful life that is often overlooked, is that we're all called to be different. Welcome it with open arms. Sure, there are arguments out there about character trait similarities, enneagram 8 tribes, etc. but that's not what I'm saying. What I'm exposing here, is that being who you truly are, without compromise, hiding, or abandoning parts of yourself, you will find your colony. The ones that love every bit of you as you are. Connecting through your similarities and embracing each other for your differences. Meeting people where they are, as I often say. Something no one talks about is that we are all seeking something. Each of us either is or has been searching for the same sweetness. The whole jar of honey, if you will. Acceptance and companionship to help pilot through life. I’m still working on my human nature to accept that God is enough and I need nothing else.

Sometimes it's easier to enjoy life on our own terms. My parents find it unusual, tell me I'm weird all the time, and question why I rarely do things with others. They don't know it’s the swarming disappointment I prefer to avoid. One of my 2023 "resolutions" or promises more so, is I refuse to wait around for others, to experience this amazing life I have been given. As an independent, I find that I enjoy my own company and don't require much from others. I'm able to do and see what I want, reflect on the past, and move through things on my own. It also allows me to look introspectively and understand who I am, giving me a clear mind to write things such as this. It’s been said that faith grows in ‘the quiet place’. I support and encourage you to explore your independence, as it can help you better understand yourself and your needs. It's liberating and insightful. I bet you'll learn something about yourself and earn a new tool to apply to this wild ride we call life.

It's essential to step outside of your comfort zone and embrace your distinct qualities. Seek out those who appreciate and honor your uniqueness, it may take some time to find your swarm, so don't be afraid to go solo. Life might be trying to teach you something. If you're feeling like you don't fit in or like you're not being understood, remember with a little bit of confidence in your true self and empathy, you can navigate the world with grace and intention. As I'm writing this, I have officially concluded that by nature my mind is independent and by experience my heart is independent. The relationships I hold at this point in my life respect independence and when together are like no time has passed. We don’t hold a sensitivity to redeem lost time or the presence of one another.

Storytime, early in my self-discovery journey, I remember it like it was yesterday. Someone I’ve known for a long time told me I was “very surface” and I didn’t know what they meant. I asked for clarification and they replied “You’re very surface level, difficult to get to know.” For a brief moment, I wasn’t sure if I was offended or simply shocked that someone had called me out like that. Knowing I have this waterfall of constant thought, I was curious how they could think this. Over time, I began to come back to that conversation, as I often still do, and am able to further understand what they meant. As I still struggle to open up to people it isn’t because I don’t want to. It’s of the fact that people don’t stick around long and I don’t see the point in them walking around with intimate pieces of who I am. Insert swarming disappointment. On the other hand, it’s through sharing and connecting that we help each other evolve; so, there is my constant conflict. With that said, I will cherish that person for the rest of my days. It is rare that someone truly sees you and it should never be taken for granted, regardless of the type of relationship. No repairing is necessary.

Through my experiences, I have come to realize that my reality is, as I may be liked by others the connection is absent and creates that misunderstanding of who I am. I see things deeper. I feel things harder. I often brush the surface of my thoughts because I already think it's far more than you bargained for. An ocean of endless thoughts, feelings, and emotions humming around inside. Ultimately, being misunderstood by my reflections is a missed connection with yourself first and a fearful stinging idea of showing your true self to others.

When you do find your nuc, whether it's a relationship of love or friendship (perhaps both), you will feel no need or desire to redeem yourself. You will feel no need to cling to words in hopes of repairing the misunderstanding as you will feel seen. It won't need correcting, for you've been accepted as you are, yin and yang. All of this to say, don't let being misunderstood rob you of honey. Navigate your mind and your heart, learn who you are, and don’t be afraid to open up and let others know what you need. Life is such a blessing, there are too many things to experience. Whether you are brave enough to buzz around and do them alone or are lucky enough to have found your hive, taste the honey. Enjoy the time we have because as cliché as it sounds, you never know when your adventure will be over. Worst of all, you don't want to one day think, "Dang, I wish I would have done..."

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